I wish I was an Elephant!

I wish I was an Elephant?

….Why?

So I wouldn’t forget.

…Forget what?

Forget that I had promised myself a year ago that I would never ever again fly with those orange and black 'so called aviators' of the Australian airline industry!

….Why’s that?

Because every time I fly with them, it is an experience that I can only imagine is as painful as childbirth. It always ends up with me pi$$ed off, angry or upset. To that regard, some women mustn’t be elephants either as they obviously forget the pain and trauma related to childbirth and do it again (and sometimes again and again). I bet they wish like me they were Elephants too.

Anyway, back to my story. The other night was yet another fine example of ‘Jetsmuck's’ incompetency of the highest order. Having successfully booked and paid for my flight online; paid extra for a front row seat; checked in online; printed my boarding card; managed to get to the airport on time; fed and watered myself properly to avoid paying an extortionate amount of dollars for a plastic sandwich and tepid beverage; negotiated Melbourne’s domestic airport terminal (which has to be the most uninspiring place in the world ever!!! – It’s like a prisoner of war camp! - apologies to all those Melbournians who love it!); queued patiently in line for boarding.................. imagine my somewhat ‘surprised face’ as I presented my boarding card to the orange stick insect next to the orange swipy/scanning thing (it was difficult to tell them apart to be honest), to be told ‘there has been a seat change – you are now in 30A’.

With no other explanation and cutting out the 10 second brief exchange (which was basically words from me enquiring as to why was this was so when I had booked and paid extra for the seat next to the Pilot), I then realised placenta one didn’t have the brain power to answer such a question and just ‘hand gestured’ for me to move along. In fact, I think I would have probably got the same response from the swipy/scanning thing!

As such, I reluctantly made my way to the aircraft head bowed like a schoolboy who had just been found guilty of sticking two fingers up behind the teachers back.

Upon entering the silver tube up the back stairs, I was told ‘window seat on your right Mr Martin’, as Placenta two pointed me towards the corner of the back row next to the ‘dunnie’.

Now call me old fashioned, but when you use the words ‘window’ and ‘seat’ next to each other in the same sentence, you would very well expect there to be such items in close proximity to one another. Ha ha! That is where you are wrong. Seat 30A on Jetsmuck's A320 from Melbourne to Brisbane did not have a window. It has a ‘white wall’ for you to stare at. It was a row of three seats at the very back of plane next to the delightfully ‘fresh smelling’ lavatory. These are the seats not normally assigned to passengers except when the flight is full and you have to accommodate a Cello.

A Cello I hear you ask! What relevance is that?

….Yes, a Cello I repeat. Let me explain…..

Apparently, despite the fact I along with the two other fellow ‘non-Elephants’ had successfully booked and paid extra for Seats 1D, E and F, the three of us were quite simply ‘relocated' to Row 30 by the orange and black booking seating system without any explanation other than ‘we have to accommodate a passenger with a Cello’.

So what do I take from all this?

1. I wish I was an Elephant
2. I am not as important as a Cello
3. Cello's obviously make great 'emergency evacuation assistance' being seated in an 'exit row' and they are not a hindrance at all.
4. ‘Jetsmuck’ couldn’t give a monkeys ar$e about their customers (unless of course, you own a Cello).

Finally. If I really was an Elephant, I’d also sit/sh*t (delete as appropriate) on your big fat head David Hall and you can stick your orange and black travel vouchers up your ar$e.

p.s. With my sincerest apologies to placenta one and two - I know it wasn't your fault and you are trained not to help or have opinions that could jeopardise the inefficiencies of Jetsmuck's operations.